BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN ALABAMA
1. Turn signals will give away your next move, and reveals you as a visitor or tourist. A real Alabama driver never uses them, because if you know them you know where they are going. If you don’t, it’s none of your business.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave any space between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will merge into that space, which will interfere with your ability to pass if the opportunity arises.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light; the less chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose by hitting you, and has proved he will.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. High-Speed Slalom Driving is expected, thanks to trucks spilling rocks, potholes in key locations, and pets allowed to run at large, testing drivers' reflexes and keeping them on their toes.
12. It is traditional in Alabama to honk your horn and make hand gestures at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
13. Making eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. You must both yield to other traffic.
14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
15. Remember that the goal of every Alabama driver is to get ”there” first, by whatever means necessary.
16. Alabama women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic during a rainstorm, while drinking coffee, smoking a Virginia Slim, and talking on a cell phone.
17. Alabama men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra from their dates at 95 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic leaving a bar or ball game, while opening another cool one, getting a dip of “Cope”, and tuning in Hank Jr. on the radio.
18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process and creating a need for auto body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rainfall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.
19. There is a commonly held belief in Alabama that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces gas consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.
20. Its O.K when driving in Alabama to air your grievances at drivers that are slowing you down by giving the "one finger salute". However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 300 horsepower V-8 with an electrical tape wrapped baseball bat in your lap, or this may result in personal injury. Don’t forget, everybody in Alabama is “packing iron”.
21. Remember, the wider, smoother, and safer the road... the lower the speed limit, and the more cops you’ll see.
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