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http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/F..._you_didn.27t.22s.29

 

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (also known as the Ancient of Noodles, the FSM for those too lazy to type out His whole name), is the obvious source of all Order, Logic, and Morality in the Universe, the above being easily apparent to those who have been Touched by His nudely noodly appendage. Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster previously called themselves "Pirates", but as the term and piracy were picked on by outsiders, His followers have opted for "Pastafarians".

Some atheist pinko commie scientists think that the glorious Gravitation of the Earth can be explained without the Pastafarian doctrine of Intelligent falling. But people like us know they're wrong, right? Right?! The Universe would surely fall apart unless the FSM used his appendages to lovingly hold everything together! It says so in the Gospel of the FSM, so it must be true. We are proud to say that We have been Touched by the Monster, and as an encyclopedia we urge you to tell others about your Touchedness.

 

Eight Commandments ("I'd really rather you didn't"s)

Pastafarians believe that the Great Captain Mosey was given ten stone tablets with various commandments on them, called the Ten "I'd really rather you didn't"s. Captain Mosey brought them down from Mount Salsa, however, due to him having one (or five) too many swigs of grog, he accidentally dropped two of them. The following was what was on the other eight tablets.

1. I’d Really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.

2. I’d Really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3. I’d Really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this through you thick heads: woman=person, man=person. Samey-samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4. I’d Really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age and mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go **** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5. I’d Really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bull****.

6. I’d Really rather you didn’t build multi-million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick): a. Ending poverty b. Curing diseases c. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable. I might be a complex carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I am the creator.

7. I’d Really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?

8. I’d Really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubrication/las vegas. If the other person is into it however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures. And for the love of me, wear a condom! Honestly it’s a piece of rubber, if I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

 

 

Last edited by OldSalt
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