Dear Gomer jim johnny bob:
jist thought i'd drop a line to say hay......hay. I uz downt cha mama'n'ems thuther day and we uz a readin some of yore posteses on that there compuutin musheen. Boy you shore can rip um.... yore jist a pyore d ol caution thats what choo are. we seed wher you tole all them lawmen how they best not be 'a'messin about with you. And i bet that feller you wuz a gonna smack with that ther led pipe wont be a botherin you no more. I wonder if that caged up elephant feller is a still totin at mirrer around with him? They aughta knowed not to tangle with ol festus bobby jimmy bill huh? you jist toooooo smart fer um. And dont choo thank fer minit yo mamasister aint proud. She said yoo wuz the smartest one of whole dang bunch, says when it comes to talkin bout yore smarts..... why smart aint the word fer it. And as fer wit she says they aint nobody no witlesser than you are. Yore ol step-unclebrotherpappy is all swole up with pride too, says you got a mind like a steel trap....yessir they aint nothin a gonna git out of it no way no how. Said when you wuz a yungun you was so smart they put choo right up in the verrry front seat of that little short yaller school bus. Why cousin billy jim joe bubba bobby if them docter fellers ever let choo out of that little white rubber room they aint no end to big ol thangs you a gonna git done.
Well yore sister done gone an had dat baby, thats rite jimmy bill bobby bubba you is a pappy now. Cutest little feller you ever did see. Looks jist like his ol pappy, big ol brown and blue eyes, and they so fer apart you could opem up a book between um, and he aint hardly got no chin atall. One ear is bigger 'n' uthern but cha mama says he'll grow into it and it won't flop down over his eyes no more. Cousin Ebo says hay and hows the banjo pickin? Yore uncle jessie joe said tell ya you shore have got a purty mouth and wants to know if you can still squeel like a pig? Says you'd know what he uz atalkin about???
Now i hope you dont git mad at me Gomer festus opie goober, but I took yore ol job downta hog breeders. I talked to yore old boss an he said he hated ta let choo go but them sows jist woodnt have nothin to do with ya. Wellsir I got ta skeedaddle out a hyer but dont choo take no wooden nickles. I'm a lookin farard to hearin from ya homer jim bubba johnny billy oscar wille don......bobby..ray festus larry joe.............GIT'R'DONE HOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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