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I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.


DF
Original Post
She read "David Copperfield" when she was pregnant and, sure enough, when her son was born he was full of the dickens!
Two atoms bump into each other.

One says "Are you ok?"

The other says" No, I lost an electron".

"Are you sure?"

"I'm

positive".


DF
quote:
Originally posted by DeepFat:
Two atoms bump into each other.

One says "Are you ok?"

The other says" No, I lost an electron".

"Are you sure?"

"I'm

positive".


DF


I love that one!
a doctor is in the habit of having an almond daiquiri every evening on the way home. One night, the bartender finds himself out of almond extract, so he substitutes hickory instead.

The doctor complains.

Says the bartender "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc".


DF
An older gentleman was at a convention and gets on to an elevator to go to his room. Just as the doors were about to close a hooker gets on. She looks at him and says “Hey, big boy, I’ll do anything you want for $100.” The excited man hands her a $100 dollar bill and says, ”Great honey!! Paint my house!”.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

What do you call a chef that bakes cakes and cookies while intoxicated?
Drunken Hines
quote:
Originally posted by PapaTim00:
there are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who dont.
Priceless!!!
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens re-turn to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!'

The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying,
"Rrredit, Rrredit, Rrredit..."
A cannibal went to the witch doctor.

"Doc, I have a belly ache".

"What have you eaten, lately?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I had one of those missionaries who came through here last week."

"How did you cook him?" asked the doc.

"I boiled him in the big cauldron, like usual" replied the cannibal.

"Ah, that's the problem...


He was a

Friar".



DF
A rabbi, a primitive baptist preacher and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a f'in joke?"
A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him $100,000 for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million dollars for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
In the stock market today, helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Elevators rose and escalators continued their slow decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom and the market for raisins dried up. Coke fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated and tissue paper hit a new bottom.
So this guy opens the 'fridge to get a beer and there sits a rabbit.

"Rabbit, what the hell are do doing in my refrigerator."

To which the rabbit replies, "Well, this is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

"Well, yeeees," says the guy.

"Well, I'm westing!"
quote:
Originally posted by PapaTim00:
hmmm... a christian math teacher... she took it literally when she read go forth and 'multiply'


Roll Eyes Big Grin
quote:
A rabbi, a primitive baptist preacher and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a f'in joke?"



Cookey,
Don't know why, but that one got me. Big Grin
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Creative Puns for Smart Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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