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# When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

# Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

# Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

# Chuck Norris invented the apple.

# Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

# Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

# Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

# Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

# If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

# Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

# Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

# Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

# Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

# P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

# Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

# Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

# Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

# Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

# Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

# Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

# Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

# Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

# Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

# Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

# Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

# As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

# Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

# Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

# Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

# The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.

# Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

# Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

# The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

# Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

# Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

# Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

# On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

# See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

# Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

# Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.

# Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

# If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

# Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

# You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

# Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

# Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

# Chuck norris invented the corndog.

# The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

# Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

# Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

# Chuck Norris belives the hype.

# Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

# When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

# When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

# Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

# Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

# Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

# Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

# When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

# Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

# Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

# Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

# Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

# Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

# Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

# Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
AWESOME FACTS ABOUT FRED THOMPSON

* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.


* The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

* Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.

* The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.

* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.

* The Fremen consider "Fred Thompson" a killing word.

* Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They're still counting the dead.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.

* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

* The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.

* Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.

* At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.

* Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.

* If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.

* An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"

* Webster's Dictionary defines "conservatism" as "how closely one's views resemble those of Fred Thompson."

* Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.

* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.

* The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.

* When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.

* In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.

* Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it."

* Fred Thompson was the Angel God assigned to guard the gates of Eden when Adam and Eve got booted. He was also the Angel that scared Balaam's talking donkey and he liked doing *that* so much, he joined the Republican party.

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