Joke Yard

Ohhh, mommer! LOL


A Special Hymn

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Joy, the joke you posted is one of my favorites!!!!LOL

quote:

A Special Hymn

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

A group of mental patients was engaged in some therapeutic work in the basement of the institution.

When the superintendent came round, he saw that they were all busy at the carpentry benches and lathes, except for one inmate who was hanging by his ankles from the ceiling.

`What's going on here?' he asked.

`Don't take any notice of him,' said one of the inmates.

`He thinks he's a light-bulb.'

`Well,' said the superintendent with a smile, `I'll soon take care of that. I'll just turn him off!'

He stepped over to the wall switch and one of the other patients shouted,

`Hey, wait a minute! How do you expect us to work in the dark?'



DF

From my nine year old (as he says in my ear "I'm almost 10!"):

Q) What do you get when a giant crosses your potato field?
A) Mashed potatoes

Q) What is a baby's favorite pie?
A) Waaasberry (babies cry a lot - he made that one up)

Q) What do you call a skeleton who doesn't want to do any work?
A) Lazy bones

Q) Why did the skeleton run away from the dog?
A) Because dogs like bones

Q) What is in a Halloween lunch box that you eat?
A) A sand-witch

The Parrot and Ugly Woman

This Pet Shop had a talking parrot that would wait for this ugly woman to come in each day. This woman would come in and buy cat food everyday. As she walked around the shop the parrot would look straight at her and repeat over and over "You're Ugly". One day after hearing the parrot say "you're Ugly" for the 10th time, she went to the shop owner and said she will take her business elsewhere if he didn't do anything about that parrot harassing her. The shop owner told the parrot that he would ring his neck and fry him up like fry chicken if he called her ugly one more time.
So the next day the same woman came in and this time the parrot didn't say a word, but just stared at her everywhere she went. Finally the woman's nerves were on end and she looked at the parrot and said "WHAT". The parrot replied "You know what!"

Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

HA! Loved those.

Two Words

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice..
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES!
I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
* MORAL OF THE STORY -
*Not all Irish are drunks,
* not all blondes are dumb,
* but all men...are men

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked, 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

The teacher asked her 6th grade class, "Who is an Obama fan?" Most didn't know what an Obama fan is, but wanted to be liked by the teacher, so they all raised their hands. Except little Johnny. The teacher asked why he felt he had to be different. He said, "Cause I'm not an Obama fan.""Why?" asked the teacher."Cause I'm a republican." said Johnny."Why?" asked the teacher."Cause my mom and my dad are republicans and that makes me one too." He replied."Well, if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" She asked.
Johnny smirked and answered, "Well, that would make me an Obama fan."

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath..
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Mommers you deserve an award for best comedy on the forum. You outdid yourself with your last two posts.

good ones, mommer

________________________________________

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me a nd learn about God?"
... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ...

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"

Somebody stop me,
Who was it that said, "I have a million of 'em?"

I was so depressed last night thinking about my job, the economy, the wars, jobs, 401k savings, So I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.

I had a flat tire yesterday, so I got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
My car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
They are exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
Cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike Men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.
Traffic starts backing up. Everybody is honking their horns and waving
Like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know.. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flasher s.'

quote:

Originally posted by mommer:
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.

For the Irish

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating New Year's Eve.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on me way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'****' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again,'****, '**** !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face..

'Be'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No **** way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says '**** it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit too much to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'Aye I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned................. Said you left your wheelchair at the pub'.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks...

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Cuervo and poured a little in its mouth... his eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same darn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

The New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along.

Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"