Florence Barbie
This princess Barbie is only available at English Village. She comes
with optional Volvo sedan or luxury SUV and lives in a waterfront dream
house. Available with or without facelift and tummy tuck and comes with
an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and sorority T-shirts. Florence Ken
comes with optional Clark's Wallabees and an assortment of The North
Face fleeces/jackets. He is available at Alabama Outdoors.
Sheffield Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Central Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble
includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip
gloss, three cans of hairspray, 48-color eye shadow and eye liner kit
and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide
trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.
Tuscumbia Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar
mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no
full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone
sold separately. Available at Cold Water Books.
Muscle Shoals Barbie
This gossip-queen Barbie comes glued to the front seat of her Ford
Expedition with your choice of two children that comes with his or her
own personalized baseball, soccer ball or softball sticker for the back
windshield. Muscle Shoals Barbie is only sold as a two-pack with
Ballpark Midge so that they can discuss how much better they are than
Tuscumbia Barbie. Ken comes with his own coaching uniform because it's
the only way he can see the kids. He's too busy working so he can afford
to move Muscle Shoals Barbie to Florence like she told him to. Available
at Target.
Russellville Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a
meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand.
Green cards are not yet available for Russellville Barbie or Ken.
Available only at Dollar General.
Central Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Northwest-Shoals Community
College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD
set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she
is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate
flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Wal-mart.
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