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I'll start.

A guy goes into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder. He says, "Bartender, a beer for me, and one for my friend Tiny."

The bartender has seen it all so he doesn't bat an eye, just pour two beers. They both (the guy and the salamander) drink up. Then the guy says, "I'll have another, and Tiny will too."

Bartender pours two more, but now he's getting curious. He asks the guy, "Well, it's none of my business, but I was just wondering why you call him Tiny."

The guy replies, "Well, he's my newt! (minute).

Co-winner of the "Likable Liberal" award who asks, "Can't we all get along?"

1 Corinthians 1:18-24 (CEV)
18 The message about the cross doesn't make any sense to lost people. But for those of us who are being saved, it is God's power at work.

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A lady brings a duck into the veterinary clinic and says: “I think my duck is dead”. So the veterinarian takes a look at the duck, examines its heart, checks from head to tail and remarks: “Lady, your duck is dead”.

The lady says: “No, I am not so sure, can you check into it a little bit further”. So he whistles and in comes his golden labrador dog. His dog puts his paws up on the table and sniffs the duck from front to back, shakes his head and leaves the room. The Vet says “Lady, your duck is dead”.

The lady says: “No, No, No, I am not so sure that my duck is dead”. Lady asks “Can you triple check?” So he whistles again and in comes his cat. The cat jumps up on the table, sniffs the duck from head to tail, shakes his head and leaves the room. I’m sorry Lady, but your duck is dead!”

The lady says: “Okay, I’ll accept that the duck is dead”.
“Now how much do I owe you?”
Well, the Vet says:” That will be $285”.
The lady says: “$285 for what?”
Well the Vet says: “The diagnostic was free. But the lab costs were $135 and the cat scan was $150”.
So this bear walks into a bar in Boise, Idaho and sits down and orders a beer.

Barkeep says "Sorry fella. I won't serve beer to a bear in a bar in Boise."

Bear says "But I'm thirsty! I really want a beer. C'mon, man!"

Barkeep says "Sorry pal. I won't serve beer to a bear in a bar in Boise."

Bear says "Look man...I'm serious. I'm a big, bad bear and if you don't bring me a beer....See that woman over there? I'm gonna devour her."

Barkeep says "Ya do what ya gotta do, pal. I'm still not gonna serve beer to a bear in a bar in Boise."

The bear grabs the woman and eats her in two gulps and comes back to the bar and spits out a pair of shoes. "Told ya. How 'bout that beer now?"

Barkeep says "Like I keep tellin' ya buddy, I don't serve beer to a bear in a bar in Boise-and I DEFINITELY will not serve a drug addict!"

Bear says "Drug addict!!!!???"

Barkeep says "Yeah, 'drug addict.' THAT was a barbituate."
A husband goes into the florist for anniversary flowers for his wife. Her favorite is the anemone. Unfortunately the florist has none so the husband buys a nice boston fern instead. Fretting over it all the way home, he sheepishly hands her the plant when he gets inside. She's delighted, of course. When he apologizes for not getting her favorite flowers, she say's, "My heavens! With fronds like this, who needs anemones?"
I urgently needed a few days off work, but knew my boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (a blond) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the World are you doing?" I told him I was a lightbulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office....When my co-worker (the blond) followed me, the boss asked her, "And where do you think you are going?"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, *O.K.?!!'*
Going with the theme of bar jokes:

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a bar stool and says, "Bartender! Got any grapes?"
The bartender, perplexed and a little perturbed, says, "This is a bar. We don't got grapes. Get outta here, duck!"
Next day, same thing. "Bartender! Got any grapes?"
"No, duck, I DO NOT GOT ANY GRAPES! I told you yesterday. GET OUT!"
Next day, same thing. "Bartender! Got any grapes?"
"Look, duck, if you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm gonna nail your freakin' bill to the floor! GET OUT!"
Next day, you guessed it. Only this time, "Bartender! Got any nails?"
"NAILS?!? First it's grapes. Now it's nails?!? No, I don't got any nails!"
"Good. Got any grapes?"
quote:
Originally posted by Tomme73:
Going with the theme of bar jokes:

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a bar stool and says, "Bartender! Got any grapes?"
The bartender, perplexed and a little perturbed, says, "This is a bar. We don't got grapes. Get outta here, duck!"
Next day, same thing. "Bartender! Got any grapes?"
"No, duck, I DO NOT GOT ANY GRAPES! I told you yesterday. GET OUT!"
Next day, same thing. "Bartender! Got any grapes?"
"Look, duck, if you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm gonna nail your freakin' bill to the floor! GET OUT!"
Next day, you guessed it. Only this time, "Bartender! Got any nails?"
"NAILS?!? First it's grapes. Now it's nails?!? No, I don't got any nails!"
"Good. Got any grapes?"


Big Grin
A pirate is on his ship, with his First Mate . As they look out on the sea, another ship appears on the horizon. The Pirate looks at his First Mate and says: "Get me Red Shirt from me locker!" The First Mate gets the shirt, the Pirate puts it on, they attack the other ship and plunder it.
The Pirate removes the shirt, and the First Mate puts it back in it's locker. Later, as they look out on the sea, two ships appear on the horizon. The Pirate looks at his First Mate and says: "Get me Red Shirt from me locker!" The First Mate gets the shirt, the Pirate puts it on, they attack the ships and plunder them.
Later, the First Mate asks the Pirate: "Why do you put on that Red Shirt to attack?" The Pirate replies: "It's so me crew doesn't loose confidence. If I get hurt and bleed, me Red Shirt will keep it from showing. They won't know." Just then, they look up and see twenty enemy warships on the horizon. The First Mate smiles and asks: "Do you want me to get your Red Shirt?" The Pirate replies: "No, get me my Brown Pants!"
A man is sitting in his recliner one day when he hears a knock at the door. He wanders over, opens the door, looks around and see's nobody, shuts the door and goes back to the recliner. Three minutes later he hears another knock at the door, looks around see's nobody, looks down and see's a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it just as far as he can. Five years later, same dude is in the same recliner and hears a knock at the door, opens the door, looks around, see's nothing then looks down. Snail looks up and him and says "Hey man... what'd you do that for?"
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. His wife was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day his wife went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Honey," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" She replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."! "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Blonde goes to the beauty shop to get her hair styled. She has headphones on and the beautician tells her she will have to remove them, the blonde says, I'm sorry but I'm not allowed, you'll have to work around them. The hairdresser tries and tries and tries to work around them and finally just pleads with the blonde to remove them. The Blonde in total frustration says to her, okay, but you're gonna get me in trouble, my husband says I'm never allowed to remove them... hurry! So off they come, the hairdresser is finishing up and the blonde drops dead. The police are called and they begin the questioning. The hairdresser explains the whole story and tells them that roughly 3 minutes after removing the headphones she just died. The police pick up the headphones, put them on and hear "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out."
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Two Virginia hunters, Bob and Fred, were going on a hunting trip. They get to where they wanted to be and started walking.
After about a half hour of walking, they sit down and take a rest.
Bob says to Fred" I'm not feeling to good".
Fred says" well, we can walk back to the truck.
Bob says" yeah lets do that".
So they start walking. About 15 minutes into the trip, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.
The operator answers and says" 911, what's your emergency?"
Fred says "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what do i do"?
Operator says, "Well first make sure he's dead".
Fred says, "Ok".
The operator listens and hears a BANG!!!
Fred gets back on the phone and says, "Ok. He's dead... now what?"
Billy Joe gets to the pearly gates and is met by Peter. He asks ole B.J. just what has he done to get in. Billy Joe replies, I saved a young lady from a bunch of bikers. Peter asks how, well you see when I saw them throwing her around I ran up to the leader and pulled his nose ring and kicked him as hard as I could.
Peter says wow, when was that? B J says oh, about a minute ago.
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Wink
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
quote:
Originally posted by canade:
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Wink


I LIKE that! Big Grin
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."
A rabbi lived next to the town called Trig. Every day at noon everyone that lived in trig lined up along the river and a giant came along and kicked them into the river. The rabbi was courious as to why this happened so he snuck into the line
The giant came along kicking the people but stopped when he got to the rabbi.The giant picked up the rabbi and set him off to the side
The rabbi asked why and the giant said, SILLY RABBI., KICKS ARE FOR TRIGGS!

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