George Carlin's new rules for 2007
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
Weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases
From jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
You isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
Reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
Particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
Football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
Blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
These kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
You're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
You're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
About your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a who le aisle
of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
Water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
Redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread ad
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too ****ed exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your
web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese